


What Hurts The Most

by AVE40



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Clexa, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-15
Updated: 2016-05-15
Packaged: 2018-06-08 11:34:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,294
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6852955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AVE40/pseuds/AVE40
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes goodbye is the only way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Hurts The Most

Lexa thinks she might be losing her goddamn mind. She looks at the outline on the wall where that fucking painting used to hang, and she finally just lets it all go. The anger and hurt she's been holding onto for months, bleeds through and covers everything. There's no method to her madness, she just starts destroying. By the time she finishes, her hands are aching and bleeding and she can barely breathe, and that's the kicker right there. She's pretty sure she's been unable to breathe since Clarke left. She can't even say her name without it catching her throat and she's spent most of her time choking on it, letting it tear her to pieces. 

Lexa tried to blame Clarke for leaving, but in the end she knew she was the one to blame. She was the one that spent hour after hour at the office. She was the one so wrapped up in herself that she forgot about the woman that held everything together. Lexa forgot that she had to take of Clarke too, and God, she paid the fucking price. Her heart still resides bleeding and broken, on the floor in the hallway right where that damn painting to used to hang. 

It always comes back to that painting. 

She'd come home late as usual and Clarke was no where to be found. Lexa called her name down the hallway and was met with silence. She noticed the missing artwork immediately, in its place there was a letter. She remembers the way her hands shook as she opened it, she had a sinking feeling what it was going say. Green eyes swept over messy writing and that's when her whole world imploded.

Lexa,

I feel just like this painting, collecting dust on the wall. Everyday you walk right by me and you don't know that I'm even here. I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry. 

Clarke

Lexa still has the letter. She carries it in her pocket and she reads it often. She knows she stop, but that part of her that knows she deserves to hurt, compels her to read it. 

Clarke's wedding rings still sit untouched on the kitchen counter where she left them. Lexa stares at them for hours at a time and sometimes she tries to pick them up so she can get rid of them, but her hands won't cooperate. She's actually not sure if it's her hands or her heart to be honest. 

She looks around the house and immediately regrets lashing out. Panic quickly settles into her chest and she sinks to the floor sobbing because she honestly doesn't know who she is anymore. Her chest is empty and aching and she's never going to be able to fill that hole, not with anything other than Clarke, but Clarke is gone and the divorce papers she sent a week ago meant she was going to stay gone. 

Lexa thinks she might actually die if she tries to sign them, so she doesn't. They just sit and whisper their presence as she tries to ignore them. She knows eventually the whispering will drive her mad, and maybe it already has. She hasn't slept for months and she can barely eat without feeling sick. She drinks though, way too much and people at the office have started to notice. She doesn't care though, and they can't stop her.

She buries her face in her hands and cries because she honestly isn't sure if she can do this anymore, and the realization that she's truly and utterly alone for the first time in her life, is completely terrifying. 

***

Raven finds her sitting in the living room, or what was left of the living room anyway.  She steps carefully, not wanting to break anything further. It feels disrespectful. Her chest clenches at the realization that Lexa's torn apart house is the physical representation of her heart, and she honestly wishes she didn't have to be here, because seeing it was different than thinking about it.

"You feel better?" Raven asks as she plops on the couch next to Lexa.

"No," Lexa mumbles in response. She doesn't look at Raven, she just stares straight ahead.

"Your housekeeper is gonna be pissed," Raven tries joking. She frowns when it dosnt work.

"She's not coming back."

"No. She's not." Raven confirms.

"I miss her."

"I know."

"I don't want to let her go."

"You need to," Raven says gently "it's time."

"How?"

"Lexa-"

"I'm falling apart and I don't know what to do. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. I came home, and she was just gone. She left me, and I haven't been able to breathe since."

"You're a good person Lexa. Sometimes things just don't work out."

"I have days every once in a while when I can pretend that I'm ok, but I mostly just sit here and ask myself why? Why Raven? Why did I push her away?" 

"I can't answer that for you."

"I fucked up."

"Yeah," she agreed "you did, but what's done is done."

"Do you know where she is?"

"Yes."

"Can I see her?"

"No."

"I'm sorry...I shouldn't put you in that position."

"No you shouldn't, but I understand so I'm not going to hold it against you. You're my friend too, and I care about you and I love you."

"She's really done?" 

"She is."

Raven watches as Lexa cries silently. She wants to reach out and comfort her, but she doesn't. It feels too personal and she doesn't want to taint Lexa's grief with her presence. Lexa pushes herself off the couch and picks up the manilla envelope she's been avoiding, then pulls the paperwork out. 

"She sent you here for this right?" Lexa asks as she holds it up and looks Raven dead in the eyes.

"She did," Raven answers softly. 

"Ok," Lexa exhales "I won't keep you waiting."

"I'm sorry Lexa. I really am."

Lexa nods as she flips through the pages of the divorce petition. She stops on the last page and her heart clenches at the sight of Clarke's signature. She picks up a pen and takes in a deep breath, her hand trembles as she lowers the pen to the page and signs her name. She's not sure what to do afterward, so she just stands there. She feels Ravens arms wrap around her neck as she pulls her into a hug. It takes Lexa a few seconds before she's able to reciprocate.

"Tell her I'm sorry," Lexa whispers. "Tell her that she will always be the one and tell her that I know that now, and I'm so fucking sorry I realized it too late."

Raven nodded as she continued to hold on to Lexa as tightly as she could. She couldn't help the tears that fell as she held onto her heartbroken friend. This had been hard on everyone, and she knew that Lexa would never be the same, and neither would Clarke. 

Raven looks at the house one last time before driving away. She sees Lexa silhouetted in the window, shrouded in emptiness, and she wonders why life has to be so cruel. She wishes she could remember Lexa differently, but she knows she won't. She will never forget bloodshot green eyes and tear stained cheeks, and she knows that a part of her will always be angry at Clarke for leaving.

She glances at the divorce papers sitting in the passenger seat and contemplates tearing them to shreds, but she knows she can't and shouldn't. Instead, she cranks the radio and tries to think about anything other than the mistake who two best friends are about to make.

She knows without a doubt it's a terrible mistake.

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for fucking up your day...probably. Anyway, I hope you guys like it? I'm trying to start writing again so be on the lookout for other happier stories I'll be posting. Follow me on tumblr if you want @thisloudmourning


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